Remember the "what if" Next Gen episode in which Captain Picard sees how his life would have turned out had he not taken all the risks - even the rash ones (like the bar brawl with the Nossican*)? And how he ends up toiling in obscurity, unappreciated, instead of the captain of the Federation flagship? Well, I often feel like that other Picard.
It frustrates me, it infuriates me, it mystifies me. I feel like I've wasted a lot of time & energy spinning my wheels. Having jobs, but never a coherent career. Yet always clinging desperately to each job like my very life depended on it. My constant refrain being "I need the money." That attitude is getting really old. Especially when my boredom and frustration (not mutually exclusive, let me tell you) do self-defeating things (more on that later). And all along I'm thinking, what the hell did I do wrong in the place? What could I be doing differently? What if I do something else and get the same results in the end?
I'm now almost finished with a program that cost me a lot in terms of time, money, effort and aggravation, yet I don't know if any of it was worth it. And I absolutely do not want to start all over, at the bottom, making crappy money just so I can "work in my field." What to do, what to do? Yet, I know I'm capable of doing a lot more than I'm doing now. Sigh.
*I don't care if that's not how you spell it, it was a TV show for gosh-sakes.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment